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Q: What types of people are in the Vanilla Lifestyle and how do I know if is right for me?
The Vanilla Lifestyle is a very diverse crowd! As long as you're anxious, apprehensive, conventional, disapproving, jealous, judgmental, old-fashioned, defensive, tense, uptight, uneasy, withdrawn, worried or closed-minded... you'll fit in just fine!
If you have any lingering doubt about your future in the Vanilla Lifestyle, you can simply take the Vanilla Lifestyle Aptitude Test.
Q: But isn't being open-minded a good thing?
If people were meant to be open-minded, we all would have been born with our brains on the outside of our skulls! Last time I checked, that wasn't the case... with the exception of Louis Bartoski, a New Jersey man born in 1934 with a rare birth defect. But he died at the young age of 26, when on a trip to Mexico he wore a sombrero that was slightly too heavy... Do you really want to end up like him!?
Q: I'm a woman who likes to dress up in sexy outfits. Can I wear them in the Vanilla Lifestyle?
You can dress as sexy as you want in the Vanilla Lifestyle... as long as you only do it in the privacy of your own home, away from mirrors and any other people. Sure, swingers might think it's ok for women to wear sexy outfits at their events... But that's likely to lead to lots of attention, admiration, compliments and flirting, which can only lead to an inflated sense of self-confidence and empowerment. And as any medieval gynecologist will tell you, too much self-confidence and empowerment is very unhealthy for a woman and should be immediately treated with leeches.
Q: I'm bisexual. Can I still be part of the Vanilla Lifestyle?
Sure... as long as you never ever talk about it, think about it, or act upon it. Simply blame any past bisexual experiences on drinking too much one night and experimenting in college. That works for most vanillas.
Q: What's the best part about being in the Vanilla Lifestyle?
The enormously comforting feeling of being a totally average part of mainstream society. Let's face it, nonconformity is totally stressful! Do you really have the time or energy to figure out the happiest way for you to live your life? I sure don't! It's much easier to let the judgment of the masses decide what is and isn't morally appropriate for you to do. There's also a tremendously satisfying feeling of moral superiority that you get from criticizing the private alternative sexual lifestyles of others, even though they don't actually affect or threaten your lifestyle in any way.
Q: I'm sometimes sexually attracted to, or fantasize about other people besides my partner. Is that wrong?
It's natural for us to be sexually attracted to other people... But if hurricanes, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions have taught us anything, it is that nature is a terrible thing and should be feared and avoided at all costs! In the Vanilla Lifestyle we learn to deal with those natural feelings through a healthy combination of denial, lying and extreme sexual repression.
Q: My partner and I would like to experiment with some things in the bedroom. Is that something that would be ok in the Vanilla Lifestyle?
Of course it's ok to experiment in the bedroom. Perhaps you could try some new curtains or faux finishing your walls? The Vanilla Lifestyle totally encourages home decorating.
Q: No, that's not what we meant by "experimenting in the bedroom." We meant the other type of experimenting.
Oh, I get it... you're planning to clone mice or develop a new formula for a diet cola. I'd strongly suggest doing it a laboratory rather than your bedroom. It would be much more sanitary and you would stand far less chance of losing your funding.
Q: Ok, we're obviously not being clear. We're specifically talking about 'sexual' experimentation. Is sexual experimentation ok in the Vanilla Lifestyle?
Sigh... I was afraid that's what you meant. To be honest, I was just avoiding your question because it made me uncomfortable. If you ever accidentally do anything "sexually" experimental in the bedroom, just make sure that you feel extremely ashamed about it afterwards. That's the vanilla way!
Q: We've heard that the swinger lifestyle has its own lingo, using terms like "play", "full swap" and "unicorn" in their vocabulary. Are there any words or phrases that we should know before joining the Vanilla Lifestyle?
Actually, far more important than learning any new words, is unlearning the titillating and provocative meanings of the perfectly innocent and wholesome words that have been co-opted and corrupted by the swinger community. In order to properly assimilate into the Vanilla Lifestyle, I suggest you re-learn the following words and memorize these new proper definitions...
Vanilla Terminology –
Bi-curious – Someone who wonders how a bicycle works.
Bi-comfortable – Someone who doesn't question how a bicycle works, but simply accepts that it does.
Bi-sexual – Someone who only has sex every two years.
Unicorn – a mythical creature resembling a horse, with a single horn in the center of its forehead. This horny horse is often symbolic of chastity or purity. Most importantly, nobody ever tries to have sex with it.
Full swap – A very crowded swap-meet.
Soft swap – A swap-meet that mostly sells Beanie Babies and Nerf products.
Threesome – An uneven tennis match.
Exhibitionist – A retired hibitionist.
Kinky – How your neck feels after you've slept in an uncomfortable position.
FETish – Anything that sort of resembles the Federal Estate Tax.
Play – A dramatic performance, as on the stage... as long as that performance is not a story about people having sex.
Swinger – Someone with the crazy and mixed up notion that sexual expression, openness and gratification are healthy and normal. A person who obviously doesn't understand that sexual repression and dissatisfaction are the true backbone of a healthy relationship. They're also hanging out on debaucherous Swinger websites like Kasidie.com.
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Q: My spouse and I have a loving, open and honest relationship, and we'd like to meet other sexually adventurous couples and singles for friendship and more. How can we do that?
That's disgusting! You are obviously on the wrong website! Insist you leave immediately before your libidinous ideas spread to the rest of our readers! You'll probably feel more at home with the rest of the hopeless hedonists at Kasidie.com, the Swinger's Lifestyle site!
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